Being in labor not only means having a baby, but that I’ve gotten pregnant and carried the baby to full term. And that I’ll get to meet it very soon. I imagine being in a private room, maybe at a birthing center. Surrounded by candles, with Simon and Garfunkel playing in the background. The room is full of family and Olivia is sitting next to me, reading me a book or coloring. There is a tub prepared incase I want it. I am free to move around as I please. I can labor how I want, not attached to a million cords and tubes. I want to bring my baby into the world this way.

I know it may sound silly, I’ve seen 2 live births, neither were anything the same. I’ve been in the medical field for 7 years, I know things never go as planned. But this is my day dream!

On a side note, I decided this morning at yoga, I want to do yoga with my children. I once said to a friend the kind of childhood I hope for my children can be described like this: “Half naked, chasing the rainbows in the sprinklers under a large oak tree in a large, grassy back yard, full of sunflowers.” I don’t know why they are half naked, I think it indicates a sense of spontaneity.

Everyone says you have to stop trying. Literally, this makes no sense. If I stopped “trying” I wouldn’t be having sex, and sex=baby. But at the same time, if I stop trying, as in, stop monitoring my ovulation, I am still mentally trying. Conception is about timing, not anything else. Well, of course, if I had some physical issues, that would play a role, but that is a different story. So by trying, I am simply timing. I just don’t understand what people mean when they say “stop trying”. I have some blood work to complete as well as an HSG (a test where they inject dye into my uterus and take several x-rays to see if the dye flows freely or indicates that I have any blockages in my fallopian tubes). These things are scheduled for next month, so if I didn’t get pregnant this cycle, I will actually be proactively trying to find out if something is wrong. I’ll know more in one week, because that is when this cycle is due to end. I continue to be incredibly hopeful, because Robby and I got pregnant before, but after I miscarried, I secretly knew that I may have a hard time conceiving in the future. Why? I don’t know, we’ll just call it a woman’s intuition!

A month ago a comment was posted:

“Try not to take offense at what I’m about to say. But I think it is sad that people that want kids are the least likely to have them and people (aka young teens) pop them out like sand blowing in a play scape. I feel bad for you (words I know your very sick of) But truth be told even though you want to have the child yourself and you’ll feel more connected to it. Just adopt a young child who someone couldn’t. Sorry for the fact you’re probably going to hate my msg, but after reading so many of your blogs I finally had to say something.”

and I wanted to respond. I do not hate this message, I do want to adopt. It has always been something that I feel like I need to do. But just as much as I want to adopt, I want to be pregnant. I think that pregnancy is an amazing thing and I am grateful to be a woman and to have the ability to do so. If being pregnant were only about the end result for me, then adoption would be considered sooner. But I want the opportunity to be pregnant. If I was told that I could only have one child naturally, I would of course be upset, but it wouldn’t be the end of the world for me. I don’t know if I would ever go through IVF, though. That seems unnatural to me, I am not saying anything bad about it or the women who have done it, but I am amazed by a woman’s natural ability to carry a child and I don’t feel comfortable with IVF. This, however, may change. If I find that my only chance of carrying a child would be through IVF, I would probably do it. I’ll say that I am 90% sure I would. But I don’t want to jump to it, I would rather exhaust every option before that.

This may be slightly off topic, but it’s what I need to rant about. I’ve been called crazy. I want to have a BIG family (“Just wait until you have one, then you’ll change your mind!”). I want to have a natural birth (“Trust me, those lamaze classes did nothing for the pain!”). I am currently in school and trying to conceive (“You should wait until you graduate, you have NO idea how hard it is to study with a baby crying!”). I would like a LITTLE bit of credit, please. I’m 25 and I’m managed to make it this far with out causing any serious damage to myself or those around me. Don’t you think I’ve earned the right to make my own decisions and learn what I want on my own? 6 years ago I said I would never be married and I didn’t want children because I was too selfish to compromise my wants for someone else’s. My stance on marriage and family is a far cry from that now. Maybe I WILL change my mind about how many children I want! Maybe I’ll scream for an epidural in the middle of labor, and maybe I’ll put school on hold. But please, allow me to figure out what I want on my own.

No! Telling you how much her kids daycare costs does not make you feel better about not being able to get pregnant. Telling you that she has not slept in 2 years does not make you feel better. Asking if you “still want one” after seeing her child have a temper tantrum does not make you feel better. Yes, unhelpful mommy friend, I still want to have a baby. “We spent $30,000 a year on baby Timmy’s daycare; $40,000 on little Carol’s private school for the gifted… Are you sure you still want a baby? They are sooooo expensive.” Wow. Putting it that way, maybe you’re right! I’ll just tell my husband that after years of trying and multiple fertility treatments that we no longer want a baby because daycare costs are too high. I really wish you would have told us before we spent $40,000 on failed fertility treatments. And thank you for asking if “we still want to have a baby” after seeing your child have a full temper tantrum in the grocery store. Thank you. We thought all children were well-behaved and perfect. We also do realize that children “get sick a lot too,” and they are “very tiring.” But thanks for letting us know. Hold on a sec while I inform my husband that we no longer want a baby. We were under the impression that parenthood was easy and that all mothers got at least 10 hours of sleep, waking up refreshed and happy. Thanks again for letting us know that children get sick, are sticky and snotty, cry, pick their noses, and wear smelly diapers. We had just assumed that babies come out of the womb, with a grin on their face and reading the New York Times. We’re sure if you also realized these things prior to motherhood, you would have not wanted your baby either. Right, mommy? Thank you fertile mommy but we know that babies are a lot of work, costly, cry, eat, pooh, barf, whine, and you know what? We absolutely cannot wait!

taken from 999 Reasons to Laugh About Infertility

“Just Relax.”
Thanks for that gem! So useful and helpful to my situation.
I’ll tell you this: the first 6 months, I was SO relaxed. I was Al Bundy, hands down my pants while sippin a brewsky and watching TV, relaxed. Guess what? That didn’t make me pregnant! I know, hard to believe, right?!

“Just get really drunk, then do it!”
You’re probably right! I bet alcohol really kicks the old reproductive plumbing into gear! I bet all the infertility drug companies are marketing Absolut in pill form as Clomid and charging all us dumbass infertiles triple. *** geniuses!
Just because someone you know, or a friend of a friend of a sister’s brother in law got pregnant at a massive kegger, doesn’t mean that it was the alcohol. It was the fact that she forgot to take her pill and didn’t make the guy wear a condom. I know it sounds really OUT THERE, but trust me.

“Just Adopt! As soon as you do, you’ll get pregnant!”
Wha wha what?? I really don’t see the relation between making the decision to adopt and getting pregnant. If you’re thinking it would make me relax, you’re wrong (and also, relaxation does not make a baby. See above).
“Try *this* position!”
Really? I’ve tried top, bottom, top then bottom, bottom then top, froggy style, doggy style, wheel-barrow, reverse cowgirl, from the side, and in the ear. I’ve been screwed 7ways to Sunday until the cows came home, put on their pajamas and watched Leno. None of them have worked so far, but I bet THAT position will do it!

“Stand on your head after sex.”
Hey, I’ll try that! I’ll also make sure to kick you in the face, after I recover from my very serious neck injury and my chiropractor says I can kick people in the face again.

“Go on vacation!”
You could be correct. First, I will try relaxing. If that doesn’t work, I will spend a ton of money on a vacation. It must be the magical combination of sand crotch and semen and friction. It doesn’t even matter when you go – I’ve heard that you automatically ovulate every day at noon in Cancun. Siesta my ass! They’re all making babies!

“Put eggwhites in your vagina”
You’re gross. Don’t talk to me ever again. Ever. Also, don’t ever plan on getting pregnant, because your husband will permenantly lose the ability to create an erection after you suggest this.
“Have more sex!”
Really? Sex makes babies? I TOTALLY wasted that $5000 deposit at Storkbabydelivery.com. I better get a refund! I wonder if they are a BBB member??

“Have fun trying!”
Ok, even I know this is innocent. I know people say this because they are uncomfortable and are trying to be positive. But it’s obnoxious. If you say this, stop immediately.

“I wish I could give you some of my fertility, because I. Am. Fertile!”
This could be best shown by example, I think.
What? You lost both of your legs in a tragic sledding accident? Wow! I wish I could share my legs with you, because I have TWO and I am so lazy. I hate walking around. I would sit all the time if I could, but I just have so damn many legs!
*do you see what I did there? rubbed my legs in your face?*
Please do not rub your fertility in my face. I think you’re an a*hole, and I keep that to myself. Also, I think your ass looks fat in those pants, yet I refrain. Please: return the favor.

“When are you going to start a family?”
AKA: When are you going to have kids? When are you going to get pregnant already? Have you started trying for a baby? Why not? Tick tock!
Oh my sweet baby jesus christ! If there was an Emmy for nosiest motherf*er, you would win! Ask once, and if you don’t get an answer, then TAKE A HINT!

Here’s the bottom line: The only right thing to say is “I’m sorry, that really sucks. I hope it happens for you soon.” It also doesn’t hurt to just listen

Hope this put a smile on your face, made you laugh out loud, put a little sunshine into your day and sorry if it offended anyone.

For the past 15+ months my husband and I have been actively trying to start a family. We have tried and have not succeeded.* For me, the frustration comes from not being able to make my body do what I want it to do. I can’t MAKE myself pregnant. I can’t FORCE sperm to hang out with my egg! I can only do so much to aid in the process and it has left me feeling a little… disappointed. In myself and in my body.

*I must add that the worst part of this is the lack of pregnancy, however, in a close second comes all of the unheeded ASSvice and opinions. “You should do this” “You shouldn’t do that” at first we were willing to try anything, I would have prayed to some fertility statue if you promised it would work. But at this point I am looking forward to not hearing any more of this.

I’ve (silently) followed several blogs for over a year and one of them tells the tale of infertility (as so many of them do) but it ends in birth. I only started reading once she found out she was pregnant, but before then she had been “infertile” for a few years and had even undergone several fertility procedures. None of which resulted in a pregnancy. Then she decided to run. She needed to restore her faith in her body’s capabilities. Low and behold, in the middle of her training for her first half marathon, she found out she was pregnant (and she had gotten there all on her own). She ran 13.1 miles at about 3 months pregnant. (Before you start judging her, her doctor said it was fine. She had gotten pregnant while running, she could keep running, obviously her body agreed with it. She was just told to be more aware of the aches and pains she would normally run through.) She was a runner before she got pregnant, in fact for a good chunk of her life she had been running on and off, so running wasn’t new for her. But I feel like this goal, this half marathon, it was something she could strive for, something that she could do, something she could MAKE happen. Not like pregnancy. Nope, can’t MAKE that happen!

I don’t consider myself infertile. Maybe my body is just taking its own sweet time. But I just need to prove to myself that my body IS capable of great things. I initially decided on the half marathon next February, but from what I have been reading, as long as I start running now, just to build up some experience and endurance, I can start training 16 weeks before a FULL marathon (26.2 miles) which would put me at October. There are several small races that I hope to take part in over the next 10 months and I also hope to participate in some Hash runs. My husband is on board for that, and I even got him to agree to at least marathon training with me! I’ve heard it helps to have someone to hold you accountable when it comes to training… I’m not a runner AT ALL but I am going to do this regardless.

On Monday I am going to call my doctor’s office to request a referral to see a therapist or something. I’ve been having a lot of trouble lately. At least for the last 2 or 3 months. I have a lot of stress from the car accident, and while I am not stressing about the trying to get pregnant thing, the lack of it has been stressing me out a lot. I don’t think that I am depressed, but I definitely feel anxious. To the point where there is so much that I need to do, I just don’t do any of it. It could ruin a lot for me. I won’t go into details, but when little things start piling up on top of the big things and I have a complete lack of motivation to do anything, everything starts to suffer. I don’t know if I just need someone to talk to or if any sort of medication is needed, but I am open to any kind of help. Yes I do talk to my husband, but I think I like the idea of talking to someone who doesn’t know me. A fresh set of ears, I guess. One of the hardest things I’ve dealt with lately is my inability to focus. On anything. learning is becoming increasingly harder, I know I am smart, but I don’t seem to retain even the simplest lessons. Once I do get any sort of drive to just DO things that need to be done, I become totally scatterbrained and overwhelmed and I can accomplish anything. Then I get stressed out that nothing is getting done. My biggest worry is that this is just how I am and that nothing can help me. In which case, I would be a horrible mother! If I can’t even do my homework, how can I raise a child. I know you might think, everything will work out, I just need to relax and focus, but that is the problem. I can’t. I haven’t always been this way and over the last few months, it’s been pretty bad. I just hide away in my room or the office and think about everything that needs to get done and I instead of doing anything, I just fuck around. I hope that someone can help me bring a little more order and concentration back into my life.

As usual, most of this is coming from Sephora.

My birthday is on Monday so earlier this week I went to Sephora to redeem my free birthday gift. Last year I got a set of lipglosses that weren’t anything to write home about, so when I saw that this year they had Sephora Collection Beautiful Eyes Kit I was excited, but I wasn’t expecting too much. However I really like the mascara that comes in the kit! The full sized Sephora Brand Lash Plumper is $14, which is a steal in comparison to the Dior Iconic Mascara that I have been using. It definitely plumps your lashes, and even though it isn’t waterproof, there isn’t any smudging. However, I have been using a lash primer, so I am not sure about the mascara by itself.

When I went in to redeem my free gift I decided to look around. After purchasing the China Glaze Matte Magic Top Coat, I became obsessed with matte nail polishes. The only thing I don’t like about the Matte Magic is that it can be a little streaky depending on what color you put it over. I found a shelf of the Sephora by OPI matte nail polishes that were on sale for $5 each! They had a black and a pinkish purple color, so I got them both. I have been wearing the Domestic Goddess all week and it has barely chipped, which is saying a lot since when I am at work I am either typing or putting on latex gloves to draw blood. I love this color and I love the matte, as well!

Next up is not a rave review, but it does have a happy ending. I went into Sephora wanting a concealer. Late nights studying have wreaked havoc on my under eye circles. I happened to speak with a Benefit makeup artist who was just there for the day and she recommended the Benefit Erase Paste. When she put it on me, it looked amazing, but when I got home I couldn’t recreate it, of course. It was kind of goopy, a bit too yellow, and it made some lines visible that otherwise wouldn’t normally be so obvious. Sephora is great in that if you try a product and don’t like it, you can return it or exchange it. So I brought it back and this time I spoke with a Sephora beauty advisor. She asked me what I didn’t like about the first product and then we tried out a couple others. I ended up going home with the Hourglass Hidden Corrective Concealer. The best part was that when I went home and tried it myself the next day, it looked just as good! It is a bit pricey at $32 but it’ll last me forever. Plus, it comes in a lipstick type tube, so application is easy. It’s better than sticking my finger into a pot of concealer and getting under my nails!

The last thing I want to talk about is a hair product. Erika and Tyger gave me a free bottle of Paul Mitchell’s Hot Off The Press. It is a heat protectant with hold. Meaning it will protect your hair from your curling iron or flat iron, and it will help hold your style and protect it from humidity. I don’t flat iron my hair as often, usually just my bangs, but what I like to do is use this as a light weight hairspray once my hair is almost air dried. I have natural waves but there are still some pieces that like to stay straighter than I’d like them. The spray adds volume, hold and just the perfect amount of texture to my hair. I have very fine hair and this stuff doesn’t weigh it down at all. An added note, don’t go buying this at Target! A quote from Erika. “please do not buy professional salon products from supermarkets.  it’s called Diversion and it’s a big NO-NO in the beauty industry! if it isn’t purchased from a salon, we can’t guarantee the quality.  it could be expired. it could be water and piss. and it lowers the value of a professional product.”

So here is a picture with my makeup done, I’ve used the concealer, heat protectant spray and the mascara.

Well, I think that is about it for tonight. I’ll probably do a bit more homework for my Human Growth and Development class. It’s online so I want to get ahead while I can. Oh, I signed up for a tumblr. I don’t know how much I will post on it, I prefer facebook, but Erika and Candice are more about tumblr. We’ll see how it goes!

I haven’t added this in a while, either.

I am not a cynical person, and as I’ve gotten older I’ve found myself less tolerable of others cynicism and pessimism. I may come off naive because I try to be hopeful, but I’ve also learned a great deal about being realistic in the last year. However, I am struggling with defining hypocrisy.

Let me explain.

I started off 2009 with the hopes and fears that come along with starting a family. Or at least attempting to. I was anxious and excited, even now I get butterflies in my stomach when I think about becoming pregnant. January was fine, I didn’t expect anything, really. February wasn’t particularly brutal either. I think the hard came with March and the bundle of joy that is my youngest nephew Aiden. The months after that were like.. well, American Idol. The poor kids who get turned away from the judges? They only get turned away once, but we sit and watch contestant after contestant turn away from the camera in tears. It is kind of pathetic, and it loses its entertainment after the first 5. So month after month, Simon Cowell told me I wasn’t good enough. And I cried and I drank some wine and I cried some more. I got over it, persevered, and tried again. And yet again, Simon told me I wasn’t good enough. It was a really depressing cycle until after May. When May rolled around I was invited to the birth of Maya’s son, Jacob. My strength was renewed and I vowed to not let it get me down. Yes, each month was hard, particularly the ones where I thought I might be pregnant. But each let down hurt less and less.

I was hopeful in that each month was a new opportunity but realistic in that I have had a miscarriage before and there was the possibility that something might be off with my body. And again, hopeful in that this was all a part of God’s plan. God and his supposed plans have helped me through the hardest times in my life, even if I didn’t know it at the time. Even now, I remain faithful and confident that this will all make sense, eventually. But this is where the hypocrisy comes in. If I believe this is a part of a plan that I have no control over, would I be a hypocrite if I seek medical interventions to aid in reproduction? This isn’t a heart attack. This isn’t cancer. I am not preventing the flu. This is the basic human function of reproduction. This isn’t something I think I have a right to mess with. But I will be 25 this Monday. Do I have the patience to wait? Am I a hypocrite if I don’t? We have a biological clock for a reason, right? And if this plan is that I need to be some sort of saint and become a foster or adoptive parent, that is fine, but can’t I just experience pregnancy once?

I found myself watching Teen Mom the other day, and then “The Pregnancy Pact” came on earlier this week. Should I take that as a sign that I should have just taken my reproductive system and young fertility for granted and been careless as a teenager? It is hard to have someone tell you they are pregnant with shame and embarrassment in their voice, when you know you would give anything to be in their shoes, and they just don’t appreciate it or their ability. I’ve read blogs by women who have struggled with infertility for far longer than I have and I have read their unfiltered rants about friends who are pregnant or trying to conceive and invitations to baby showers. I thought it was sort of an overreaction. Then this week I have had two people tell me they were trying to get pregnant, one person tell me they were pregnant, and that coupled with all of the pregnant patients at work and my birthday coming up… it has hit me very hard. I wish getting pregnant was like starting a diet or a new workout routine; I wish I just had to muster up the motivation to do it!

I have a long, frustrating history with travel coffee mugs. I have a photo mug, I have a hot pink one, I have a pale pink one that has a clicky thing on top. They are all cute, they all leak, and none of them keep my coffee warm for more than an hour. I work primarily at the front desk at Quest and I need coffee to make it through the day. More recently I’ve taken to making coffee at home again to save money. The worst thing about taking the time and spending the money to make coffee at home (ultimately to save time and money that comes along with regular trip to Starbucks or even the gas station around the corner) is when your coffee goes to waste. Every day I would end up reaching for my coffee cup around 8:30 am (we open at 7 am) and taking a sip only to discover my time and effort is now room temperature. Don’t even get me started on how long it took to make the picture “collage” to put into my coffee mug.

So I did some research. I wasn’t willing to shell out $30 for a mug from Starbucks, so I opted to look on Target.com. One thing I like about purchasing things from Target is that their products tend to have customer reviews online. I can search for a product, read the reviews, and drive 5 minutes to Target and actually see it in person before committing to a purchase. When I searched Target for a travel mug the highest rated product was the Contigo West Loop Mug in blue. I read all 11 of the reviews, especially the lowest rated one. The lowest rating given was a 4 out of 5, and this was only because the customer noticed scratches on the outside of the mug after owning it for a short period of time. Kind of a ridiculous complaint, in my opinion. All of the reviewers raved about this mug. Not only is it 100% spill/leak proof, but it keeps your coffee HOT. Most reviews said it keeps hot beverages hot/warm for 4 hours and cold beverages cold for up to 12 hours. It isn’t really cute or girly, there aren’t any funky colors or anywhere for you to place pictures, and there aren’t any pretty designs on the outside. From what I saw on the website you had a choice of metallic blue, graphite or silver. However, at this point, it could have had Twilight characters on the outside of it; I needed a mug to keep my coffee warm.

When I went to Target I only found the blue and graphite colors at the store. The graphite version (Contigo AutoSeal West Loop Mug) has some red accents on the lid and so I decided on that one. The packaging boasts the 4 hours hot/12 hours cold statements I had read on the website and I actually found the graphite color to be perfectly sleek and modern. Now here is where I sound like a freaking infomercial…

This thing keeps my coffee HOT! Like hot, hot! It keeps my tea SO hot that I actually have to leave the lid off for 10-15 minutes to allow it to cool to a consumable temperature. And it does not leak. In the morning I am usually scrambling to get in my car by 6:45 am with my purse, two book bags, whatever I am going to eat for breakfast and my keys, all while trying to be quiet enough not to wake up Robby. I don’t have enough hands to keep my coffee mug upright so that it doesn’t spill. The best thing about this mug is that I can just toss it in my purse and then toss my purse into my car without worrying about it leaking, AT ALL! So yes, I give the Contigo AutoSeal West Loop Mug in graphite 6 out of 5 stars. Not only is does it look nice, but it actually delivers on its claims of maintaining beverage temperature and being leak and spill proof. I was weary at first of spending $20 on a travel mug, and many jaws dropped when I named its price, but now I think it is probably worth twice as much. Definitely recommended for anyone who doesn’t have the luxury of enjoying their coffee on the porch with the paper.