Once a decision was made, I did not worry about it afterward.

Somehow I have only been posting about TTC (trying to conceive) on here recently. I think this is due to the fact that it is the only thing in my life right now that is incredibly unpredictable. Ok, maybe not so unpredictable seeing as how 18 months later, I am still not pregnant! But that could change any month, right? Well, at least, I hope so! My life is great right now. I am doing great in school and love my professors. My husband and I have a perfect balance between work and school, being busy in those aspects had made us truly enjoy our time together, but we can still both be home and not attached at the hip. Work is good, and honestly, always a challenge. I am grateful to have a job. I am happy to have a job that is not boring, but also isn’t full of drama. My in-laws are wonderful and while it is incredibly hard being away from my family and friends in California, I am so lucky to have a family where I live. I don’t feel guilty about spending the weekend at the beach with them instead of at the gym! My friends that I maintain long distance friendships with remind me that you can go months without talking and just pick up the phone like you saw them yesterday. As cheesy as it may sound, life IS good! Unfortunately, I don’t blog about the great, grand and wonderful, I don’t need to therapeutically sit down and write about how much I love my husband. Writing is an outlet for me, and right now I need to “outlet” my frustration with trying to make a baby.

Everyone says you have to stop trying. Literally, this makes no sense. If I stopped “trying” I wouldn’t be having sex, and sex=baby. But at the same time, if I stop trying, as in, stop monitoring my ovulation, I am still mentally trying. Conception is about timing, not anything else. Well, of course, if I had some physical issues, that would play a role, but that is a different story. So by trying, I am simply timing. I just don’t understand what people mean when they say “stop trying”. I have some blood work to complete as well as an HSG (a test where they inject dye into my uterus and take several x-rays to see if the dye flows freely or indicates that I have any blockages in my fallopian tubes). These things are scheduled for next month, so if I didn’t get pregnant this cycle, I will actually be proactively trying to find out if something is wrong. I’ll know more in one week, because that is when this cycle is due to end. I continue to be incredibly hopeful, because Robby and I got pregnant before, but after I miscarried, I secretly knew that I may have a hard time conceiving in the future. Why? I don’t know, we’ll just call it a woman’s intuition!

A month ago a comment was posted:

“Try not to take offense at what I’m about to say. But I think it is sad that people that want kids are the least likely to have them and people (aka young teens) pop them out like sand blowing in a play scape. I feel bad for you (words I know your very sick of) But truth be told even though you want to have the child yourself and you’ll feel more connected to it. Just adopt a young child who someone couldn’t. Sorry for the fact you’re probably going to hate my msg, but after reading so many of your blogs I finally had to say something.”

and I wanted to respond. I do not hate this message, I do want to adopt. It has always been something that I feel like I need to do. But just as much as I want to adopt, I want to be pregnant. I think that pregnancy is an amazing thing and I am grateful to be a woman and to have the ability to do so. If being pregnant were only about the end result for me, then adoption would be considered sooner. But I want the opportunity to be pregnant. If I was told that I could only have one child naturally, I would of course be upset, but it wouldn’t be the end of the world for me. I don’t know if I would ever go through IVF, though. That seems unnatural to me, I am not saying anything bad about it or the women who have done it, but I am amazed by a woman’s natural ability to carry a child and I don’t feel comfortable with IVF. This, however, may change. If I find that my only chance of carrying a child would be through IVF, I would probably do it. I’ll say that I am 90% sure I would. But I don’t want to jump to it, I would rather exhaust every option before that.

This may be slightly off topic, but it’s what I need to rant about. I’ve been called crazy. I want to have a BIG family (“Just wait until you have one, then you’ll change your mind!”). I want to have a natural birth (“Trust me, those lamaze classes did nothing for the pain!”). I am currently in school and trying to conceive (“You should wait until you graduate, you have NO idea how hard it is to study with a baby crying!”). I would like a LITTLE bit of credit, please. I’m 25 and I’m managed to make it this far with out causing any serious damage to myself or those around me. Don’t you think I’ve earned the right to make my own decisions and learn what I want on my own? 6 years ago I said I would never be married and I didn’t want children because I was too selfish to compromise my wants for someone else’s. My stance on marriage and family is a far cry from that now. Maybe I WILL change my mind about how many children I want! Maybe I’ll scream for an epidural in the middle of labor, and maybe I’ll put school on hold. But please, allow me to figure out what I want on my own.

June 29, 2010. Tags: ttc. Uncategorized.