999 Reasons to Laugh About Infertility
#799 Telling you how much daycare costs does not make you feel better about infertility
No! Telling you how much her kids daycare costs does not make you feel better about not being able to get pregnant. Telling you that she has not slept in 2 years does not make you feel better. Asking if you “still want one” after seeing her child have a temper tantrum does not make you feel better. Yes, unhelpful mommy friend, I still want to have a baby. “We spent $30,000 a year on baby Timmy’s daycare; $40,000 on little Carol’s private school for the gifted… Are you sure you still want a baby? They are sooooo expensive.” Wow. Putting it that way, maybe you’re right! I’ll just tell my husband that after years of trying and multiple fertility treatments that we no longer want a baby because daycare costs are too high. I really wish you would have told us before we spent $40,000 on failed fertility treatments. And thank you for asking if “we still want to have a baby” after seeing your child have a full temper tantrum in the grocery store. Thank you. We thought all children were well-behaved and perfect. We also do realize that children “get sick a lot too,” and they are “very tiring.” But thanks for letting us know. Hold on a sec while I inform my husband that we no longer want a baby. We were under the impression that parenthood was easy and that all mothers got at least 10 hours of sleep, waking up refreshed and happy. Thanks again for letting us know that children get sick, are sticky and snotty, cry, pick their noses, and wear smelly diapers. We had just assumed that babies come out of the womb, with a grin on their face and reading the New York Times. We’re sure if you also realized these things prior to motherhood, you would have not wanted your baby either. Right, mommy? Thank you fertile mommy but we know that babies are a lot of work, costly, cry, eat, pooh, barf, whine, and you know what? We absolutely cannot wait!
taken from 999 Reasons to Laugh About Infertility
What NOT to say…
This is reposted from someone who reposted this from a message board.
“Just Relax.”
Thanks for that gem! So useful and helpful to my situation.
I’ll tell you this: the first 6 months, I was SO relaxed. I was Al Bundy, hands down my pants while sippin a brewsky and watching TV, relaxed. Guess what? That didn’t make me pregnant! I know, hard to believe, right?!
“Just get really drunk, then do it!”
You’re probably right! I bet alcohol really kicks the old reproductive plumbing into gear! I bet all the infertility drug companies are marketing Absolut in pill form as Clomid and charging all us dumbass infertiles triple. *** geniuses!
Just because someone you know, or a friend of a friend of a sister’s brother in law got pregnant at a massive kegger, doesn’t mean that it was the alcohol. It was the fact that she forgot to take her pill and didn’t make the guy wear a condom. I know it sounds really OUT THERE, but trust me.
“Just Adopt! As soon as you do, you’ll get pregnant!”
Wha wha what?? I really don’t see the relation between making the decision to adopt and getting pregnant. If you’re thinking it would make me relax, you’re wrong (and also, relaxation does not make a baby. See above).
“Try *this* position!”
Really? I’ve tried top, bottom, top then bottom, bottom then top, froggy style, doggy style, wheel-barrow, reverse cowgirl, from the side, and in the ear. I’ve been screwed 7ways to Sunday until the cows came home, put on their pajamas and watched Leno. None of them have worked so far, but I bet THAT position will do it!
“Stand on your head after sex.”
Hey, I’ll try that! I’ll also make sure to kick you in the face, after I recover from my very serious neck injury and my chiropractor says I can kick people in the face again.
“Go on vacation!”
You could be correct. First, I will try relaxing. If that doesn’t work, I will spend a ton of money on a vacation. It must be the magical combination of sand crotch and semen and friction. It doesn’t even matter when you go – I’ve heard that you automatically ovulate every day at noon in Cancun. Siesta my ass! They’re all making babies!
“Put eggwhites in your vagina”
You’re gross. Don’t talk to me ever again. Ever. Also, don’t ever plan on getting pregnant, because your husband will permenantly lose the ability to create an erection after you suggest this.
“Have more sex!”
Really? Sex makes babies? I TOTALLY wasted that $5000 deposit at Storkbabydelivery.com. I better get a refund! I wonder if they are a BBB member??
“Have fun trying!”
Ok, even I know this is innocent. I know people say this because they are uncomfortable and are trying to be positive. But it’s obnoxious. If you say this, stop immediately.
“I wish I could give you some of my fertility, because I. Am. Fertile!”
This could be best shown by example, I think.
What? You lost both of your legs in a tragic sledding accident? Wow! I wish I could share my legs with you, because I have TWO and I am so lazy. I hate walking around. I would sit all the time if I could, but I just have so damn many legs!
*do you see what I did there? rubbed my legs in your face?*
Please do not rub your fertility in my face. I think you’re an a*hole, and I keep that to myself. Also, I think your ass looks fat in those pants, yet I refrain. Please: return the favor.
“When are you going to start a family?”
AKA: When are you going to have kids? When are you going to get pregnant already? Have you started trying for a baby? Why not? Tick tock!
Oh my sweet baby jesus christ! If there was an Emmy for nosiest motherf*er, you would win! Ask once, and if you don’t get an answer, then TAKE A HINT!
Here’s the bottom line: The only right thing to say is “I’m sorry, that really sucks. I hope it happens for you soon.” It also doesn’t hurt to just listen
Hope this put a smile on your face, made you laugh out loud, put a little sunshine into your day and sorry if it offended anyone.
