I can feel the wind go by when I run. It feels good. It feels fast.

So, true to form, I vaguely mentioned stated that I am going to run a half marathon. The key word is AM. I am, I will, not I want. Since I was so vague before, I’ve decided to go ahead a write about it a little more. Because this is more than a resolution or a fitness plan, this is about empowerment.

For the past 15+ months my husband and I have been actively trying to start a family. We have tried and have not succeeded.* For me, the frustration comes from not being able to make my body do what I want it to do. I can’t MAKE myself pregnant. I can’t FORCE sperm to hang out with my egg! I can only do so much to aid in the process and it has left me feeling a little… disappointed. In myself and in my body.

*I must add that the worst part of this is the lack of pregnancy, however, in a close second comes all of the unheeded ASSvice and opinions. “You should do this” “You shouldn’t do that” at first we were willing to try anything, I would have prayed to some fertility statue if you promised it would work. But at this point I am looking forward to not hearing any more of this.

I’ve (silently) followed several blogs for over a year and one of them tells the tale of infertility (as so many of them do) but it ends in birth. I only started reading once she found out she was pregnant, but before then she had been “infertile” for a few years and had even undergone several fertility procedures. None of which resulted in a pregnancy. Then she decided to run. She needed to restore her faith in her body’s capabilities. Low and behold, in the middle of her training for her first half marathon, she found out she was pregnant (and she had gotten there all on her own). She ran 13.1 miles at about 3 months pregnant. (Before you start judging her, her doctor said it was fine. She had gotten pregnant while running, she could keep running, obviously her body agreed with it. She was just told to be more aware of the aches and pains she would normally run through.) She was a runner before she got pregnant, in fact for a good chunk of her life she had been running on and off, so running wasn’t new for her. But I feel like this goal, this half marathon, it was something she could strive for, something that she could do, something she could MAKE happen. Not like pregnancy. Nope, can’t MAKE that happen!

I don’t consider myself infertile. Maybe my body is just taking its own sweet time. But I just need to prove to myself that my body IS capable of great things. I initially decided on the half marathon next February, but from what I have been reading, as long as I start running now, just to build up some experience and endurance, I can start training 16 weeks before a FULL marathon (26.2 miles) which would put me at October. There are several small races that I hope to take part in over the next 10 months and I also hope to participate in some Hash runs. My husband is on board for that, and I even got him to agree to at least marathon training with me! I’ve heard it helps to have someone to hold you accountable when it comes to training… I’m not a runner AT ALL but I am going to do this regardless.

April 7, 2010. Tags: infertility, running, ttc. Uncategorized.