Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.
I haven’t blogged in about a month, not sure why, just not a lot to say. There is a lot going on, I am working and in school. I have something resembling a life and I am trying to get pregnant. I don’t know that I want to talk about any of that, though.
On Monday I am going to call my doctor’s office to request a referral to see a therapist or something. I’ve been having a lot of trouble lately. At least for the last 2 or 3 months. I have a lot of stress from the car accident, and while I am not stressing about the trying to get pregnant thing, the lack of it has been stressing me out a lot. I don’t think that I am depressed, but I definitely feel anxious. To the point where there is so much that I need to do, I just don’t do any of it. It could ruin a lot for me. I won’t go into details, but when little things start piling up on top of the big things and I have a complete lack of motivation to do anything, everything starts to suffer. I don’t know if I just need someone to talk to or if any sort of medication is needed, but I am open to any kind of help. Yes I do talk to my husband, but I think I like the idea of talking to someone who doesn’t know me. A fresh set of ears, I guess. One of the hardest things I’ve dealt with lately is my inability to focus. On anything. learning is becoming increasingly harder, I know I am smart, but I don’t seem to retain even the simplest lessons. Once I do get any sort of drive to just DO things that need to be done, I become totally scatterbrained and overwhelmed and I can accomplish anything. Then I get stressed out that nothing is getting done. My biggest worry is that this is just how I am and that nothing can help me. In which case, I would be a horrible mother! If I can’t even do my homework, how can I raise a child. I know you might think, everything will work out, I just need to relax and focus, but that is the problem. I can’t. I haven’t always been this way and over the last few months, it’s been pretty bad. I just hide away in my room or the office and think about everything that needs to get done and I instead of doing anything, I just fuck around. I hope that someone can help me bring a little more order and concentration back into my life.
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